It’s difficult times for my lover’s lover.
She obviously has strong feelings for him but feels like an add-on to our life decisions. From her perspective, I am directing his life and he is only able to spend time with her when I am busy elsewhere. Then I show up again ready to reclaim “my property.” She and I have spent little time together and no time alone without our mutual lover. I didn’t know she was having these feelings and actually was quite shocked. She has been living alone and not in relationship for several years and seems to relish her alone time. The truth be known, I thought I was doing her a great service after about 20 hours of their spending time together, relieving her of the masculine presence and returning her to peace and quiet. Of course, she’d always be invited to join us in our activities after we reunited but most of the time she chose not to.
Christmas and New Years were approaching. We sat down and made some decisions about parties, etc. We were happy to have a houseparty to go to and an invitation to stay overnight. We made sure that Linda would get the same invitation and be able to drive with us. We felt good that we had taken all into consideration or so we thought….Linda was angry and disappointed that we had not included her in the decision-making process. She ultimately decided not to go to the party.
I was happy when David told me that she wanted to get together with me separate from him. I emailed that I welcomed this meeting. We had a lovely few hours together, eating, walking, lots of talking, but mostly general getting-to-know-you stuff. Although also important, I felt the end of our time was close and we hadn’t discussed the nitty-gritty subjects. I asked her if there was anything she wanted to discuss or any questions she had for me before we parted ways. It was then that I realized that her feelings for David were deep and she wanted more from him then he was thus far giving. I explained to her that David’s primary partner is his computer projects. I also described to her what our weekdays look like as far as quality time together which basically is meal times and bedtime. At one point she had suggested since we had weekdays together, perhaps the weekends would be theirs together. I needed to let her know that weekends were also our fun time together.
I am happy to face these issues that have arisen but unfortunately she has not brought it to the table. She states that this is something between me and him and that she just needs to withdraw because her needs are not being met. She also states that she doesn’t see three people changing. This is interesting to me because I see people as changing constantly and especially when involved in the poly lifestyle….change or die! It’s one of the things that interests me about polyamory, that no one can remain stagnant or stuck in old habits.
This situation presents many of the important issues in poly that will be included in future writings….control and ownership of partners, live-in and part-time lovers and the relationship between them, time management, emotional uprisings, and need for communication. Most important when needs aren’t being met it’s time to become pro-active and negotiate for that which I need. The basic requirements of polyamory are flexibility and communication, otherwise things can become very painful. I know from experience!